Writing an introductory column is like finally sitting down in an airplane. You cannot wait to watch the Netflix movie on your phone (probably not Steven Segal), and suddenly another passenger strikes up a conversation.

At first, you are accommodating, mainly because flight attendants act as if playing Words With Friends during takeoff will magically convert the plane into a time machine, and only a flux capacitor will bring everyone back to 2014. Then you realize this person saved up his or her life story for whomever sat next to them on this flight, and they are not delivering the condensed version.

When Geoff Ketchum suggested I write an introductory column, I cringed. I do not mind talking. However, I do not enjoy talking about myself.

I told Geoff this idea was worse than eating an Arch Deluxe from McDonald's while drinking a Crystal Pepsi in a Ford Edsel. Apparently, he was a fan of the Arch Deluxe.

Hopefully, this column is more entertaining than The Adventures of Pluto Nash (seriously, when was the last time Eddie Murphy made a funny movie?).

I spent two days in a 26-foot U-Haul truck with two dogs driving from Tampa to Austin. I had a lot of time to think and observe. Outside of fighting the dogs for my French fries, there was nothing else to do.

Here are the top five things I discovered while driving through the south:

1. Life without Sirius Radio is depressing - nothing against those Christian or country stations which were crystal clear, but I went through withdrawals like Pookie in New Jack City without The Foxxhole.

2. Katt Williams is not funny anymore - I listened to him again on my iPod, and found it hard to laugh at any of his jokes. He peaked with The Pimp Chronicles, but Williams really lacks creativity. Thank you Kevin Hart, Donald Glover and Aziz Ansari for making my drive a lot easier.

3. There are too many billboards advertising vasectomies - I thought about a lot of things on my trip, but getting snipped was not on the list. I must be in the minority because there a lot of people deciding if they should stop at McDonald's or get a vasectomy on the interstate.

4. I have a slight case of gephyrophobia (fear of driving over bridges) - After seeing the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge collapse after an earthquake in 1989, driving over a bridge freaks me out. Imagine my anxiety on the numerous bridges in Louisiana.

5. Pharrell Williams' "Happy" song makes me mad - I was okay hearing it the first 50 times, but this song now has mosh pit potential. The last uplifting song that made me want to punch a wall was Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy."

Those are some of the basics. I am sure you have a few questions. I will answer some of those burning inquiries right now.

If Jon Gruden was interested in coaching at Texas, there must be something special about the program. Besides, covering the Longhorns has to be better than watching the Detroit Lions lose in Green Bay every year in December.

This is like asking if a hotdog is a sandwich. This Simms vs. Applewhite debate has been raging among Longhorns fans for years. My vote goes to the highest bidder on eBay.

I have not met Strong yet, but he seems to be straight and to the point. Strong apparently does not say what people want to hear, an approach that can rub people the wrong way. At least he is being honest, which I respect. Fake people are annoying. Nevertheless, Strong has to bring back the glory days as soon as possible.

I witnessed Travis Henry rush for 4,087 yards as a senior at Frostproof High School (Florida) in 1996. He set a state rushing record, and I covered nearly every game during his amazing explosion. Sure, he compiled a record number of children, too, but Henry's skills on the football field were remarkable.

I have been married for almost three years, but we were friends for over 15 years before a night of Jack Daniels and whiskey sours ended our friendship and began a relationship. We have a 17-month-old son named Maximus (yep, Gladiator style). She wants another, but I am really conflicted after seeing those vasectomy billboards.

People ask me that a lot, as if it is a step down to cover one of the best programs in the country. There are more people interested in the Longhorns than the Jacksonville Jaguars. I think Jacksonville can finish with a winning record this season, but Texas being in the hunt for a national championship would be a much bigger story.

I expect the typical hazing to occur, which means I probably will not flinch when somebody says something to make Richie Incognito say 'enough.' I understand what is about to occur. Just know nobody can say anything worse to me than my ex-wife.

I am a huge boxing fan. I have covered numerous fights involving Roy Jones Jr., Winky Wright, Antonio Tarver, Shane Mosley, Tito Trinidad, and Bernard Hopkins. I covered Lennox Lewis' brilliant knockout of Mike Tyson in 2002. I would love to see Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao fight, but it will never happen. The two fighters I am high on right now - and have been for a while - are Keith Thurman and Danny Garcia. I do not have a favorite team in any sport. I graduated from the University of South Florida before we had a football program, and rumor has it we have a team. I am not convinced based off what I have watched the past few seasons. Also, I am addicted to fantasy football.

Just let me borrow a Ford Edsel. Your worries will be gone once I hit I-35, assuming I am not sitting in traffic.

Enough about me. It is time for us to focus on football.

Anything else is more insignificant than the life story from an airline passenger.